My Higher Power is John Stamos
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
