I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
