I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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