my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
sarcasm needs its own font
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
