I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
