using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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