Have you finally orgasmed yet?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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