Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
