Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize