I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
