i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Randomize
