At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
