I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
