dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Blood and glitter go together right?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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