Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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