My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
