saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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