Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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