it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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