ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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