Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
