oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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