Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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