yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
