I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
