I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
