it was like his penis was on wheels.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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