You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize