Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
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