I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
