Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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