I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
