wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
