I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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