i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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