why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
