I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
