A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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