You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
