Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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