Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
