I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize