I heard we made out
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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