Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
