I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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