Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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