so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
