I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
