omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
