I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
