This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
