God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
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