we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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