I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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