He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
