Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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