Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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