I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
