just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
