My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
