Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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