and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
