If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
