it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
